Sunday, January 31, 2016

NYT Endorses SJG

It is with confidence, enthusiasm and unbridled kvelling that the New York Times formally endorses the Short Jewish Gal as President of the United States of Neuroses. Her main opponent is, who else? Herself. Every day, the SJG battles her irrational thoughts, anxiety and obsessive worrying.  Every day, the winner is a toss-up. Some days, her demons get the best of her, and some days, she kicks them swiftly to the curb. Naturally, she welcomes her issues back the next day with open arms. When else will you have the chance to elect one of the most broadly and deeply overqualified Presidents of Neuroses in modern history? Must we list our reasons? Fine. The SJG is a strong advocate of repeated attempts at therapy to combat the plague of mishegas that surrounds her and everyone else she knows. Moreover, her shopping proposal for picking out a nice coffee cake for any sad occasion reflects a rich understanding of the human condition. Who else but the SJG can make a kugel that can heal an entire nation? The SJG is never chintzy with the empathy. Your pain is her pain. She's happy to take on your suffering at a moment's notice. That's just how much she cares. In conclusion, the SJG is the right choice for President of the United States of Neuroses. She has the vision and the birth certificate that proves she was born on the ramp of a hospital, an event that launched her into a lifetime of neurotically-inclined thinking. What more proof do you need? Go ahead, cast your ballet early. God only knows what could happen to you tomorrow.

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