Mystery of the Universe Solved

The Original Sock Thief

                                     

For centuries, scientists and philosophers have pondered the age-old question: "Where do all the missing socks go?" Theories abound, drawing from a smorgasbord of quantum physics, behaviorial science, numerology, the I-Ching, and the Maytag Owner's Manual, circa 1969.  Despite all the brainpower, no one has yet to explain why it is that socks, much like their human counterparts, uncouple at alarming rates, only to be sucked into black holes, never to be seen, much less, worn again. But now, thanks to a generous endowment from Ross Dress for Less, a short Jewish gal from Sherman Oaks believes she has found the instigator of this worldwide shortage.  Over coffee in her palatial Mediterrean estate, the woman admitted that the guilty party resided at close range.



"It's all his fault," the SJG said, pointing to a yellow Labrador. The dog huddled in the corner, gnawing on an argyle knee-high. "He steals every sock he comes in contact with, then chews it up and buries it god-knows-where. He's ruthless.When it comes to cotton-wool blends, he'll stop at nothing. He'll butt his head through any door. He'll raid any closet. He'll dive into any laundry basket he encounters. He'll do whatever it takes to claim his daily allotment. It's the look on his face that I find the most troubling. He knows he's been naughty. He's told to 'drop it, this instant,' but does he?  No, he doesn't. He refuses on principle. Once his teeth get hold of the sock, it's all over."

When a visitor suggested that the SJG's dog couldn't possibly be responsible for all the socks that go missing in the universe, she grew reflective. "Well, duh, of course not. He's not Santa Claus. He can't be in a million places all at once. I'm just saying that if my dog steals socks, your dog steals socks. He's representative of sock thieves everywhere.  So stop taking apart the dryer, stop thinking you've lost your mind, because you haven't.  The truth is, socks go missing, along with our hormones, for a reason, people. And that reason is 99 percent pet-related. Whether you own a dog or a cat, a parrot or a guinea pig, I guarantee that if you get close enough, if you peer right into their souls, you will smell cotton."

It was announced today that researchers from UCLA plan to follow up on the SJG's missing sock hypothesis. "This could be right up there with String Theory," said Dr. Melvin Kimmel, professor of physics. "Or not," he added, quickly. The professor then gazed down at his naked ankle, and asked if anyone had seen a black Calvin Klein that had been on his foot a minute ago.

(12-10-09)