When nature calls in the middle of the night, I try to send her straight to voicemail. "You've reached the SJG. I'm sleeping. Go away. Beep." But nature is one persistent mother, and keeps calling till I pick up. "What?! What is it? What do you want? I'm sleeping here." "Not anymore. Get your butt out of bed." "Oh, @#$% you, nature!" I say, before doing my 2 a.m. zigzag in the dark. I stumble into the bathroom, pretending I'm not awake. I try not to open my eyes all the way, which never works. I run into things. Doors, mainly. By the time I tinkle, I'm awake, and I'm pissed off. The SJG brain, a muddle of this, this and the other, starts oscillating on the worry cycle, and soon I'm what-iffing like a mad woman Last night, my thoughts turned to Jennifer Aniston. Has she finally found love? Has she? What if she hasn't? What will she do? By the time I got back in bed, I was in big-ass trouble, on to Weinergate, John Edwards, Sarah Palin and Paul Revere. The SJG brain wouldn't shut up. I started counting "Seinfeld" episodes -- the Elaine dance, the Master of Your Domain, They're real and they're fabulous -- got through season eight and I was still awake. I started counting Carrie's boyfriends on "Sex in the City -- Big, Aidan, the Post-It guy, the French guy -- and I was still awake. Half-way through "The Twilight Zone" recount -- Marsha, Marsha! Next stop, Willoughby! -- I fell asleep. If nature calls me again tonight, I'm out of town.
there's nothing like the classics to get you through the wee wee small hours of the morning.
ReplyDeleteWell-said, gal. Well-said.
ReplyDeleteJust be happy you're not leaving leaving a "trail" en route.
ReplyDeleteMickey, you make an excellent point. It could always be worse!
ReplyDeleteThought ZigZag was a noun, not a verb... bit disappointed with the rest of the article as a result... might not have needed to verb if you had earlier visited the noun before retiring for the night... not advocating, just musing.
ReplyDelete