Saturday, February 9, 2013

A Simple Gal Wth Simple Needs

The needs of the SJG are simple.  I'm not one of those gals making crazy demands for sparkly jewels and Prada-level merchandise.  Go on.  Take me to Target.  Take me to Costco.  Find me a great parking spot and I won't complain.  What will I complain about?  Things of greater importance.  Things that would rile up any humanitarian of my ilk.* (*First time appearance of Ilk.  Welcome to my blog, Ilk.  Stick around, I may use you again.)  Like I said, I'm an easy-going byotch. Easy-going until something irks* me.  (* Irk, meet Ilk.  Maybe you're related?  You sound good in the same paragraph.)  Once the SJG gets irked, look out.  This week, I'm agitated about the new coffee maker.  The new coffee maker is a huge letdown on a deeply personal level.  All I want out of life, other than a good bagel, and a good dog by my side, is a steaming hot cup o' joe.  Universe:  Is that too much to ask?  Apparently.  Hubby and I both feel disappointed by the fancy java contraption that was on sale.  Half-off.  How could we resist?  We studied the image in the newspaper.  "Oh, look, hubby, it's finally on sale.  Why don't you go buy it for me and I'll act surprised and delighted."  "Very well, m'lady," he said.  And he doesn't even watch "Downton Abbey."  That's how well-trained he is.  Sometimes he speaks "Grey's Anatomy."  Sometimes he speaks "Smash," breaking into song for no reason.  This morning, he's howling like a wolf, his way of apologizing for making me watch "The Grey," a movie where everyone gets torn apart by vicious wolves.  Did I say everyone?  I mean every freakin' one.  The man will do anything to appease me.  Anyway, let's get back to this riveting tale, shall we?  So... the well-trained hubby trotted off to buy the fancy coffee maker with the thermal carafe, guaranteed to keep the SJG's cup of joe steaming hot.  "This coffee isn't very hot," I said on Monday.  "Why isn't this coffee hotter?" I said on Tuesday.  "Does this coffee maker have a secret temperature setting we haven't discovered yet?" I said on Wednesday.  "Oh, eff this coffee," I said on Thursday.  "The other coffee maker was better," I said on Friday.  "This new coffee maker is for sh*t.  Can we return it?" I said today.  All part of several recurring SJG themes and life lessons I like to share with you, because, as we've established, I'm a giver.  Here's what I want you to take with you, as you start your day, which will probably be more interesting than mine, because I don't do much but sit around and worry.  It comes down to this, my fellow travelers on life's poorly-maintained, underfunded highway of mixed metaphors:  Sometimes you pour the coffee and it isn't hot enough.  What can you do but kvetch and release?

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