Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Great License Plate Disaster, Part II

Sometimes, the SJG must dust off my reporter skills from decades ago and bring it.  So that's what I do.  Stir up some trouble.  Get a little huffy.  Make an enemy or two. The police confirm that a hit-and-run committed in Bellflower in 2011 comes up with my license plate.  Of course, the DMV has none of this startling info.  Over there, my record's clean.  Nearly-virginal.  Next stop:  the sheriff's department.  A lot of "go to the first floor in that building over there.  Now go to the second floor in the criminal building, stand at window 2 - 11 and wait."  I pick a window.  I tell my tale to the guy behind the glass speaking into a microphone.  It's very prison-like.  Except I'm up on tippy-toes trying to communicate through the glass.  At first, we're in sync.  And then, just like that. we're not.  He's getting mean.  Telling me I have outstanding parking tickets that have been sent to a collection agency.  He's treating me like I'm the one on the lam.  The SJG starts to snap.  A bit of snark escapes.  "This isn't me.  I'm not Carol T. Schneider.  I don't live at this address.  Check my license.  I'm the SJG of Sherman Oaks!  Why are you giving me this?  This isn't helpful."  "Then we're done here."  "What?"  "We're done.  If I'm not helping you, we're done."  "I want to see your supervisor."  "My supervisor?"  "Just get me your supervisor."  "Fine.  Go to window 1."  I go to the window.  And wait.  A nice man appears.  He talks to me through the glass.  Apologizes for the behavior of the other guy.  He helps me, to a point.  Hands me print outs.  "You have to talk to the criminal court in Bellflower, where the arrest warrant was issued."  "Can't you talk to them for me?" "No.  I'm so sorry."  He gives me a number.  By now, my head is spinning like a bad Purim carnival ride.  And soon I'm on the phone.  I'm not messing around.  I go straight to the D.A.'s office.
"... Not everything that meets the eye is as it appears."

I pitch my "Twilight Zone" episode.  A friendly lady tells me a deputy will get back to me.  And now I wait some more.


  1. I cant' wait to read your final chapter blog on this (hopefully very soon) with a conclusion ala "I've cleared this headache up completely and it's no longer an issue!"

    Then I want you to please write and sell it as a hilarious Melissa McCarthy script that makes you money!

  2. Why not?!!! Why shouldn't I profit from this?

  3. Seems you started with a switched license plate attributed to a hit and run... in Bellflower; then you got confused with a parking ticket scafflaw... after quick stops at the police and sherrif windows, now you're on the DA's radar screen... one day four bureauracracies no resolution... at least you're digging your hole quickly... let us know where to send the cake with the shank cooked in.

  4. Steve, you make me laugh so hard my face hurts. It was all a clerical error on the part of Bellflower. Still unresolved.