The Big Sneeze

Looking for protection and peace of mind?  Who isn't.  Well, listen up, my friends.  Sherman Oaks-based The Feeling Is Mutual Insurance Group is now offering preferred customers basic sneeze protection in case you're ever subjected to one of the Short Jewish Gal's Epic Sneezes. The sporadically-acclaimed Kleenex hoarder may only be 5'1"-ish, but trust us, her allergy-driven emissions pack a wallop.  The SJG has been known to clear out movie theaters, synagogues, classrooms, markets and the United terminal at LAX with one grandiose achoo. Why, only yesterday she sneezed so loudly she broke two champagne glasses, shattered a window and fractured a darling figurine of two birds kissing.  On top of which, she busted the eardrums of various family members, and sent her 12-year-old, slightly incontinent dog running for cover.

Our SJG Sneeze Protection Policy provides you with "sleep at night" assurance that you can recover, physically and emotionally, from the devastating aftershock to your central nervous system should you find yourself in the path of the Big One, God forbid.  You just never know when the SJG's gonna blow.  But not to worry, my friends.  Here at The Feeling Is Mutual, you're in good hands washed daily with the finest generic anti-bacterial soap money can buy.  We'd never lie or mislead you, intentionally, and how many insurance companies would be willing to make such an outrageous claim?  So please, if you know what's good for you, or even if you don't and you need us to remind you, give us a call, day or night, and we'll give you a free quote and a customized sneeze guard.  Call us by midnight tonight and we'll throw in a pair of squishy earplugs in purple... unless you prefer orange, but those are on back order.  Here at The Feeling Is Mutual, we have only your best interest in mind.