Wednesday, October 5, 2016

The SJG Cure For Insomnia

Last night I try everything to get to sleep. All my usual tricks. I try counting "Seinfeld" episodes.  "Serenity Now!" makes me laugh, so I stop counting "Seinfeld" episodes. I move on. I start counting backwards from 100. But there's something about 92. I hit 92 and I question myself. Did I already say 92? Should I say it again? 92! 92! Not helpful. I move on. I picture a soothing waterfall. Ahh... Uh-oh. The thought of water triggers an urge to tinkle. I get up. I get back in bed. Now I'm wide awake. What. The. Hell. Then it hits me. Insomnia. I have insomnia. Who wants insomnia? Not the SJG. What to do? What. To. Do? Oh, wait. I know. I'll think of all the words that rhyme with insomnia. That'll put me under. That's the anesthesia I need. That's the ticket, bitches. Then it hits me. In-what-nia rhymes with insomnia? Bupkis, that's what. Nothing rhymes with insomnia. So instead, I isolate parts of the word. "Momma... has... insomnia... Insomnia makes Momma... a.... zombia. Zombia... isn't a word... What the eff else rhymes with..." At this delicate rhyming juncture, I doze off. A miracle. Clearly, I've discovered the cure for insomnia. You're welcome.

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