Friday, April 7, 2017

She Who Will Not Be Upstaged

Pippa's scene-stealing behind
"SJG, is that you?"
"Who else would it be?"
"I'm so upset, I'm beside my royal self." 
"Talk to me, Katie. What's wrong now? You need me to FedEx some matzoh for the Buckingham seder?"
"No, we're making our own matzoh this year, just like you taught us."
"I'm kvelling. So, if it's not Passover-related, what is it?"
"It's Pippa-related. She's being a meanie."
"Your royal gorgeousness, let's be honest here. Pippa's being more than a meanie. She's being a giant byotch."
"A byotch of the highest order! I'm distraught, SJG."
"No tarts at my wedding."

"Here's how I see it, doll face. First, your little sis wears a skin tight tushy-revealing white satin gown to your wedding, thereby stealing attention away from you. And now that same little narcissist issues a 'no ring, no bring' decree, banning the unengaged, unmarried beauties who God forbid might upstage her at her wedding -- including Meghan Markle, star of my Pulitzer-worthy Hallmark movie, 'When Sparks Fly.' This is the definition of a shanda."
"As usual, you've hit the hora on the head."
"That's not a saying, but I'm loving it."
"I'm so pleased."
"At least you'll be her Royal Matron of Honor."
"Alas, I won't."
"What the bridezilla?! Why not?"
"She's afraid I'll steal the spotlight." 
"Who put a Maypole up her butt?"
"T'wasn't me."
"Well, Katie girl, you have two choices here. You can be a mensch, go to Pippa's wedding, keep the eyerolling to a minimum, and pretend like you're having a good time."
"Hmm. What's the next choice?"
"Don't go to her stupid wedding and throw your own extravaganza at the sprawling estate next door. Invite all of the unengaged, unmarried guests she's banished, hire Sir Ed Sheeran to perform..."
"He's not Sir Ed...."
"Not yet. And pretty soon, all of Pippa's guests will abandon her snobby wedding and join your super-happening soiree. If that doesn't piss off Pippa, and teach her a valuable lesson in etiquette, nothing will."
"Thank you, SJG. You've helped me enormously. Would you like to be the party planner?"
"Send me a ticket and I'm there." 

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