Sunday, April 23, 2017

SJG In Retrograde

When things go wacky, why not blame Mercury in Retrograde? Everyone else does. For the SJG, this week has been what the astrologers call a mixed bag of bupkis. I've decided to blame Mercury in Retrograde, because according to my highly placed sources, it's happening right now! But what does it all mean, anyway? I'm so glad you asked. I'm the only one you know who's qualified to answer this, for the SJG is a former fake astrologer.
Maybe you know this about me.  Maybe you don't.  But I used to make up the horoscopes for ’Teen Magazine.  I was just out of college, a humble editorial assistant. When I wasn’t walking the publisher’s dog, making coffee, sorting through mail and answering the phone, I was concocting the anonymous monthly horoscope column. They pawned it off on the absolute lowest gal on the editorial food chain. You could not get any lower than me. I was the consummate flunky in every sense of the word. Every month I consulted a pile of worn-out astrology books for inspiration. Say I read that Sagittarians must tame their restless energy and need for personal independence. ’Teen readers would get a dose of the following nonsense:  “Good news! Success awaits you… as long as you don’t let that restless energy lead you astray. Stay focused and your smallest efforts will be rewarded!” After awhile, I got pretty good at it. My horoscopes weren’t half-bad. Letters poured in praising my astonishing accuracy.  One month, I even got it right for an entire class of fifth graders. That’s a lot of zodiac signs to tackle. I had hidden powers. Who knew?
So here's what the SJG knows about Mercury in Retrograde.  The planet slows down and appears to stop (spoiler alert:  optical illusion!) and move backward.  If you buy into this mishegas, you may feel totally meshuggah.  But just in case...  Don't leave your house.  Don't answer the phone.  Don't do anything.  Don't sign your name to anything.  Don't turn on anything electronic.  Don't talk to anyone. Just sit there like a big lump of angst and wait till it passes.  You're welcome. I'm here all week. 


  1. Is that Paris Hilton reading the Mercury in Retrograde book? if so she must be taking a break from the auditory assault that is the second weekend of Coachella.

  2. Yes, Steve! That is here, studying up!