Saturday, April 29, 2017

Short Month? Blame This Guy

Lend me your Ray Bans, dude.

Once again, I find myself in a state of confusion. Once again, I must recite that nursery rhyme that goes something like this: "Thirty days hath September, April..." Uh-oh. Help me out here, folks. Oh, wait, I think I remember. "June and November..." Reciting this poem to myself, because I'm what the mental health professionals politely call "calendar challenged," brings up so many keppy-spinning issues. First up: Can I get a movement going that brings back the word "hath"? It just sounds so much classier than boring-ass "have." Next time I'm ordering take-out at Gelson's, an activity I do often and with gusto, I think I'll take "hath" for a test drive: "I'll hath the kale-quinoa salad. Does that hath an equal division of kale and quinoa or are you trying to pull one over on me, the best customer who hath ever entered this establishment? If that's the case, I'll hath to call the Better Business Bureau on you. Sorry, I hath to... I hath rights, ya know."

Next up: Why do we only hath 30 days this month? Personally, I'd prefer 31, if not 32. An extra couple of days might balance out my sad sleep deprivation. If this shortage of days isn't about me, than I ask you, who is it about, anyway? I'm glad you see my point. And yet, the reasoning behind the wonkiness of the calendar is so unreasonable, allow me to shrink it down to size.
Do you see the moon? Does the moon see you? Does the moon see somebody you want to see? Are you being followed by a moon shadow? Don't panic. It all comes down to moon cycles, not shadows, and the Greeks and the Romans and the realization that 60 days weren't accounted for, so the ancient peeps added January and February. Then, many many B.C.'s later, Julius Caesar stepped in and changed everything, making arbitrary executive orders. Imagine that! Caesar made January the start of the year, not March.
"Okay, okay, I'll put March back where it belongs." 

After Caesar plotzed on March 15th, those backstabbers renamed a month after him, which was very thoughtful. I'd like a month named after me, but I'm not willing to die for it. So. July is named for Julius C. Then the next ruler, Augustus, wanted his own month, and who can blame him. He called it, what else, August. But he was a little competitive. He wanted the same number of days as Caesar's month, so he stole a day from February. Now February only hath 28 days. But every four years, just to be nice, February hath 29 days. So. When you look at your calendar, smart phone or otherwise, and feel a little cheated, a little farklempt by the capriciousness of it all, remember, it's all Caesar's fault. If he'd just kept March in its original position, things might've turned out differently.

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