The Last Time Eddie Murphy Made Me Laugh

"Bowfinger," 1999

The SJG has spent the past few days digging into my memory bank, overdrawn at the moment, to find Eddie Murphy-isms.  Short of a Google-thon, "I'm Gumby, dammit," was all I could  come up with, and that dates way back to his days on "Saturday Night Live."  If he comes out in Gumby-wear during the Oscars, I will be so happy.  If he channels his funny, raunchy side, he's going to kill.  But I don't see it happening, unless, right out the gate, he acknowledges years of stinkfest movies, arrogance, and storming out of the Kodak when he didn't win an Oscar for "Dreamgirls." If he opens with, "Hi, I'm Eddie Murphy, and you're probably wondering, why the eff did they pick that guy?  He hasn't been funny in years.  I asked the same thing, and Brett Ratner, my close personal friend and favorite movie director, who just happens to producing this fine program, told me to relax.  He had a plan.  That was right before some large dudes threw me in a van and took me to the desert, for three weeks of intensive Comedy Boot Camp."  Insert footage of Steve Martin, Billy Crystal and Alec Baldwin beating the crap out of Eddie Murphy, with witty one-liners and musical numbers that actually work, and then torturing him with clips of all the Oscar hosts who've bombed, including David Letterman and last year's charming co-hosts, James Franco and Anne Hathaway.  Maybe then, he'll bring the funny and surprise the SJG.  'Cuz it's all about me, isn't it?  What?  It's not about me?  It's about you?  Fine.  Then maybe he'll bring the funny and make you laugh.  That wouldn't suck at all.