SJG Middle School Opens In Sherman Oaks

(Sherman Oaks) Today marks the opening of SJG Middle School, a boutique learning center where short, curvy gals can learn key survival skills, such as how to think and act taller, how to dress taller, how to talk taller, and how to reach impossibly high shelves in the market without breaking a pickle jar or a collar bone. "I went through school trying to fit in with the tall gals," says SJG founder Carol Starr Schneider.  "I walked around on my tippy toes.  I wore high heels.  I hung upside down from the monkey bars like a freak.  I went to a height specialist.  I took vitamins.  I did anything to make myself taller. And guess what?  It didn't worked.  At 53, I've just now realized that I'm never going to be any taller than I was at 12.  Someone should've told me this sooner.  A teacher, a guidance counselor, a rabbi maybe.  If only I'd gone to a liberal-minded school devoted to short gals, who knows where I might be today?  I might've learned how to handle myself better in tall situations.  I might've learned to accept myself 'ass is.'  I might've developed major 'tude at an earlier age.  I might've started my own clothing line called Short Gals With Booty.  I might be starring in my own reality show, 'The Short Bitches of Sherman Oaks.'  I figure, why should other shorties suffer the same indignities growing up -- up being a relative term.  Naturally, I blame genetics."  Enrollment is limited to gals under 5'2," although 5'2 and a half might be considered, if the student brings bagels and lox every Friday.  SJG Middle School still has a few spaces left.  Applications available online.  So hurry.  The bell just rang.  You're already late to class.