Broadway Star/Squirrel Expert

Connie Ray in "Next Fall"

It's always good to have a star in your menagerie of close, personal friends. You never know when someone of such grace and stature, such talent might come in handy.  Sure, Connie Ray has appeared on Broadway, television and the big screen, but underneath all the glitz and glam and tight-fitting couture, is really just a humble farm girl from North Carolina.  A kugel-loving, lanky ginger who knows the weirdest stuff imaginable.  When in need of earthly advice, I turn to her and she never lets me down.  "Help me, Connie," I said the other day, "help me, please, I beg of you."  "What is it now?" she asked.  "The evil squirrel is back.  In fact, he never left."  "I already told you what to do about him." "You told me what to do when he destroys my potted plants.  Cover the soil with rocks to stop the little bastard from digging."  "And did you do it?"  "Not yet."  "Carol!  That was years ago."  "I know, I know, I'm weak."  "So what's the problem now?"

Troublemaker

 "The little bastard is destroying the grass.  He's digging holes everywhere and burying his goddam walnuts.  Hubby's ready to take him out."  "You want to borrow my shotgun?"  "No, but thank you.  That's very generous."  "Do you have a walnut tree in your backyard?"  "No.  I don't know.  What do they look like?"  "They have walnuts on them."  "What's your point, Connie?"  "If you have a walnut tree, get rid of it and you'll get rid of the squirrel."  "I'm pretty sure we don't have a walnut tree."  "Well, he's getting those nuts from somewhere.  So you have to set a trap for him."  "A trap?!  I can't do that."  "Of course you can.  Just get a trap and put a nut in there, and when you catch him, drive him somewhere far away and let him go."  "This is sounding like an episode of 'The Sopranos.'"  "I'm not saying you have to murder him."  "Any other suggestions?"  "Call Pest Control and have them set the traps."  "So they come and take the squirrel out?"  "Exactly."  "I don't want to hurt the little bugger.  I just want him to stop.  Maybe I could call a meeting.  Have a sit down.  Talk some sense into him." "Try that," Connie says, "and get back to me."  "I can see you're disappointed in me, but Connie, I'm just a nice Jewish girl from Westwood.  I'm not a squirrel killer.  Your ways are so foreign to me."  "It's a rodent, Carol."  "I know, but when it's not destroying our backyard, it's kinda cute."  "Then keep it and give it a name."  "That's your best idea yet.  I'm thinking Biblical.  King Solomon, King David, King -- hey, where are you going, Connie?  Don't leave!  Come back!  I need you!"