Skip The Doritos

You never know what might be in there

"Mom, you'll never guess what just happened."  "What?!" "There's this liquor store I go to during my lunch break, right near work.  So I go there today to get a cold drink, and Mike, the guy I always kibbitz with, who runs the place, is standing outside and he says, 'Billy, the place is under new management.  I don't want to go in there.  Here's a buck. Can you buy me a bag of Doritos?  So I go in and get my drink and the Doritos and hand it to the guy behind the counter.  And he looks at the Doritos and goes, 'Oh no, not another one!' Then he dumps the Doritos on the counter and this huge scorpion crawls out."  "A scorpion?!"  "Yeah."  "A real Scorpion?"  "Yeah.  So I step back and go, 'Whoa,' and the guy in back of me is freaking out and says, 'I'm not shopping here,' and runs out of the store.  The guy at the counter is acting all shocked and calling for help, and I go, 'Is this a prank?''  "Oh my God!"  "Then Mike appears and he's laughing at me, he's in on the whole thing, he's set me up to look like an asshole.  So now I'm screaming at him, 'You, mutha@#$%a!"  "The typical Schneider response."  "The guy behind the counter says, 'Go sign a release form, Billy, you're going to be on The Tonight Show.'"  In early November, the eldest will make his national TV debut -- since he has yet to hear back from "Wipeout," as Scorpion Doritos Dude.  I can't wait to count how many times they bleep him out.  If that isn't reason to kvell, what is?