|We're off to see Sinatra|
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:30 AM
Saturday, October 29, 2011
|Connie Ray in "Next Fall"|
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:54 AM
Friday, October 28, 2011
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 7:32 AM
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
|Mine came first|
|Coinky-dink? I think not.|
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:12 AM
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:06 AM
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:55 AM
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:00 AM
Friday, October 21, 2011
The SJG reacts to parking ticket
I got back to the car two minutes after 4 p.m. Oh, fine. It was more than that. Three minutes. Four tops. And there he was, the parking officer slipping the dreaded envelope under my windshield wiper. I turned on the charmed. "Hi! Hey! How you doin'? Nice uniform! Look, I'm here, no need to ticket me." "I already did, ma'am." "But... but..." He moved swiftly to his car. I followed him. "Wait, what's this mean? Obstructing traffic? I didn't obstruct traffic." He got in the car and rolled up the window. I dropped the charm act and gave him the famous SJG look. Trust me, you don't ever want to get this look from me. Hands on hips. Hard eyes. Scary stuff. He rolled down the window. "No parking after 4 p.m, ma'am," he said, clearly frightened of me. I looked at the fine. "Five million dollars?! I don't have five million dollars." I started haggling. "I can do two million. 2.5 million, but that's my final offer." "Take it up with the city, ma'am," he said, and rolled up the window. "Hey, come back here! Nobody effs with the SJG!" He drove off mid-tantrum. Heartless bastard. In other news, all weekend, I'll be holding a fundraiser in Sherman Oaks. Live music, dancing, All-U-Can-Eat Kugel Buffet. Feel free to stop by and help me pay for my ticket. Do me a mitzvah. It'll make you feel good about yourself.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 7:40 AM
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Mick, Warner Avenue homie/Michigan-based surgeon/fellow blogger, sent this wonderful cartoon to me, in celebration of my new relationship with my iPhone. I feel upgraded in ways I never expected. Who needs Botox? Mr. Style makes me feel youngish again. I order him around, tell him to do stuff and he complies: Find me a smiley face app. Done. Send this photo of Dusty to my sons. Done. Update me on useless info. Done. Normally, I shun any sort of product endorsement. Cigar-chomping, whiskey-swilling newspaper gal that I never was, I do recall many ugly, protracted fights with the ad department of the illustrious Century City News. They were all about synergy, although no one called it that back then. Buy an ad, get a feature, was their motto. Mine was a little different: No eff'n way. For two minutes, I was the editor, the powerful honcho, the chick in the flimsy cubicle calling the shots (sorta kinda not really). I tell you this for a reason, one that escapes me. Oh, wait, it's coming back to me. I would never use my blog to endorse a product, and yet, here I am, extolling the virtues of the iPhone. Am I doing it so that Apple will forever send me, the SJG, a resident of Sherman Oaks who has little if any influence over anyone, a new iPhone every time it comes out? How dare you excuse me of such a thing. That is beneath you.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:08 AM
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
|Stop giving me sh*t about my hair|
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:12 AM
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
|You never know what might be in there|
Friday, October 14, 2011
Ale tsores vos ikh hob oyf mayn hartsn, zoln oysgeyn tsu zayn kop.
All problems I have in my heart, should go to his head.
Zol es im onkumn vos ikh vintsh im (khotsh a helft, khotsh halb, khotsh a tsent kheylik).
Let what I wish on him come true (most, even half, even just 10%).
Eyn imglik iz far im veynik.
One misfortune is too few for him.
Khasene hobn zol er mit di malekh hamoves tokhter.
He should marry the daughter of the Angel of Death.
Zalts im in di oygen, feffer im in di noz.
Throw salt in his eyes, pepper in his nose.
A kramp (a kram, a kortsh) im in layb (in boyakh, in di kishkes, in di gederem, in di finger).
A cramp in his body (in his stomach, in his guts, in his bowels, in his fingers and toes).
Trinkn zoln im piavkes.
Leeches should drink him dry.
Lakhn zol er mit yashtherkes.
He should laugh with lizards.
Meshuga zol er vern un arumloyfn (iber di gasn).
He should go nuts and run around (through the streets).
A hiltsener tsung zol er bakumn.
He should grow a wooden tongue.
Gut zol oyf im onshikn fin di tsen makes di beste.
God should visit upon him the best of the Ten Plagues.
Farshporn zol er oyf(tsu)shteyn?
Why bother getting up alive?
Vi tsu derleb ikh im shoyn tsu bagrobn.
I should outlive him long enough to bury him.
Er zol altsting zen, un nit hobn farvos (mit vos) tsu koyfn.
He should see everything, but have no reason (with what) to buy it.
Got zol im bentshn mit dray mentshn: eyner zol im haltn, der tsveyter zol im shpaltn un der driter zol im ba’haltn.
God should bless him with three people: one should grab him, the second should stab him and the third should hide him.
Vifil yor er iz gegangn oyf di fis zol er geyn af di hent un di iberike zol er zikh sharn oyf di hintn.
As many years as he’s walked on his feet, let him walk on his hands, and for the rest of the time he should crawl along on his ass.
A groys gesheft zol er hobn mit shroyre: vus er hot, zol men bay im nit fregn, un vos men fregt zol er nisht hobn.
He should have a large store, and whatever people ask for he shouldn’t have, and what he does have shouldn’t be requested.
Hindert hayzer zol er hobn, in yeder hoyz a hindert tsimern, in yeder tsimer tsvonsik betn un kadukhes zol im varfn fin eyn bet in der tsveyter.
A hundred houses shall he have, in every house a hundred rooms and in every room twenty beds, and a delirious fever should drive him from bed to bed.
Ale tseyn zoln bay im aroysfaln, not eyner zol im blaybn oyf tsonveytung.
All his teeth should fall out except one to make him suffer.
Migulgl zol er vern in a henglayhter, by tog zol er hengen, un bay nakht zol er brenen.
He should be transformed into a chandelier, to hang by day and to burn by night.
-- from Nahum Stutchkoff's Thesaurus of the Yiddish Language
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 7:14 AM
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:01 AM
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:01 AM
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
|Why, yes, I believe I can!|
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:37 AM
Monday, October 10, 2011
|Yes, we can|
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:38 AM
Sunday, October 9, 2011
|... in the book of meritorious acts|
For the sin that I have committed by stealing towels
For the sin that I have committed by stealing toast
For the sin that I have committed by barking at nothing
For the sin that I have committed by barking at neighbors
For all these sins, O God of forgiveness, bear with me, pardon me, forgive me!
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:06 AM
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
|Early cell phone|
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:11 AM
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:03 AM
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
|... with a chance of eyeballs|
|The stylish-yet-mysterious SJG|
Monday, October 3, 2011
Mayor Ned Davis agrees to back the Short Jewish Gal Mall of Self-Promotion
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:09 AM
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
|Wipe that grin off your face|