To The Left, To The Left

This morning I woke up to this on "The Today Show":  "Researchers have now discovered what they think is a link between left-handedness and some serious medical conditions."  Wonderful.  Fellow leftie Savannah Guthrie went on to say, "Everyone knows some of the greatest thinkers, entertainers and athletes in history were southpaws. But scientists have been studying why approximately 10% of the population favors the left hand over the right, and it turns out being left-handed isn't always a sign of greatness."  Savannah!  How dare you!  "The latest research is showing a variety of brain conditions are more common in lefties."  Brain conditions?  Tell me more!  "Language. dyslexia, stuttering, autism, as well as mood disorders, such as depression..." I raised my hand.  Here! "... and schizophrenia."  I lowered my hand.  Not here.

Savannah was just getting started.  "Some studies have shown left-handed people earn salaries on average 10% lower than righties."  That's not good.  "And though it's partly due to genetics, scientists now believe left-handedness may be caused by mothers who were stressed or depressed while pregnant."  I raised my hand again.  Here!  My mother had double pneumonia and chicken pox when she was pregnant with me, and had to chase after my two demonic brothers (and I say that with love).  No wonder I'm a lefty.  But what about my left-handed eldest, watching the report with me?  "Were you stressed when you were pregnant with me?" he asked, pointedly.  "I don't like your tone, young man," I said. "Just answer the question, Mother."  "Well, I threw up for nine straight months, with no days off.  What do you think?" "Thanks a lot," he said, and stormed off to work.

At least,  Savannah did share some good news.  "Five of our last seven presidents were lefties.  So were four of the five designers of the mac computer.  One in four Apollo astronauts used their left hand, that's far above the earthly average, and 100% of Today Show co-hosts are left-handed."  Woo-hoo!  The SJG walks among the greats!  And then, finally, this:  "Lefties are more artistic generally than right-handed people and make better lovers."  Well, duh.  Tell me something I don't already know.