Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Lost At Cedars

Welcome to Cedars-Sinai
On Tuesday, I had the pleasure of taking my dad to an appointment at Cedars.  It is a lost city unto itself, a never-ending  maze of where-am-I-now.  At 8:15 in the morning, we circled the hospital in our quest for parking, which remained elusive.  So we found a nice spot Cedars-adjacent, somewhere in Culver City. We chartered a party bus, hit a few hot spots, and eventually wound up back at Cedars.  By now, we were ready for anything.  Or so we thought.  We took out our map, our compass, our survival kit (water, blanket, gas mask) and read the top secret special instructions my dad received via carrier pigeon:

"Go to the South Tower.  Take the elevator to the Plaza Level.  Step out of the elevator.  Turn right at the gift shop, unless you'd like a snack.  Feel free to buy a pack of gum, a magazine and trail mix, maybe a candy bar and a Mylar balloon.  As you exit the gift shop, turn left.  Walk down the hall.  Try not to bump into anyone.  At the Starbucks counter, you'll see many tired doctors and nurses lined up, in desperate need of caffeine. Make a slight left.  Not a radical left, not a liberal left, but a slight left.  Are you getting this?  A slight left or you'll end up in the bathroom, which is fine if you need to go.  Please wash your hands, this is a hospital, we don't need any extra germs.  Exit the bathroom, and make that slight left we were just talking about. Unless you'd like to buy a cup of coffee at Starbucks.  If so, get in line behind the orderly with the indecipherable accent.  Wait your turn.  No cuts or you'll be cursed out in 18 different languages.  Buy your coffee.  Feel free to tip the barista.  Okay.  Ready to proceed? Wonderful. Now then, go through the glass doors that open magically, and approach the bridge.  Stop right there.  The bridgekeeper, usually a volunteer,
"What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

will ask you a series of highly personal, inappropriate questions.  Make sure you answer correctly, or you'll be tossed over the bridge into an erupting volcano. If you're still alive, well done!  Cross the bridge, already.  Go through another door, take the elevator to the fourth floor.  Get out.  Then make a conservative right, and walk down the hall to the doctor's office. Mazel tov! You made it!  But you're a little too late.  You've missed your appointment.  The doctor won't see you now.   Make a new appointment for another day.  And make sure you keep these instructions.  We've only got one pigeon."


  1. If I'd known you'd end up on Machu Picchu's mountaintop with Dad I'd have come along. Sorry to have missed your search for the lost treasures of