Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Still Standing (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah)

(Sherman Oaks) SJG Enterprises announces the opening of a new SJG-endorsed fitness club for rapidly aging boomers who still want to exercise, as long as it doesn't inflame their sciatic nerves, cripple their backs, destroy what's left of their knees and threaten their existence. Still Standing (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah) is the first gym in the area to proudly appeal to the 60 and over crowd. "It's enough already with the Cross Fitness, the aerial yoga, the TRX," said the SJG in an interview with the failing Sherman Oaks Gazette. "What's so great about hobbling around in pain? How many knee and hip replacements can a person endure? At Still Standing (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah), we're all about helping you remain upright for as long as humanly possible." The SJG went on to list some of the exciting classes on the schedule:
1. Doom-Ba: A slow-paced class of walking in circles and getting nowhere fast.
2. SOD: Suspension of Disbelief rejuvenates your concept of reality, rejiggers your coping mechanisms and reaffirms your sense of gravity so you shouldn't slip and fall.
3. Weep n' Weigh: Burn calories and work up a sweat as you step on the scale for the first time in a decade.
4. Kvetch: A worry-based Yiddish technique of shrugging, deep sighing, complaining, fretting and knocking on wood that one day, God willing, grandchildren will appear and love you the most. All levels of kvetching welcome.
5. Cardio-Schmardio: A non-intensity 15 minutes of standing still, then leaving.