On Rosh Hashanah It Is Written...

... that the SJG will save a seat for my friend Candy, wonder why she didn't show up, then look over and see her across the synagogue.
... that the SJG will gesture to Candy, in a loving way, "I saved you a seat, silly," and she'll gesture back, "I saved you a seat, silly," and then, as she did yesterday, she'll stick her tongue out at me, prompting me to stick my tongue out at her, which is very untemple-like of both of us. 
... that at some point during the lengthy service, the SJG will desperately need to go to the ladies room.
... that the SJG will spend ten minutes debating when to climb over congregation members to get to the aisle.
... that the SJG will wait another ten minutes until my bladder threatens to burst, and then make my hasty retreat, stepping on toes as I go, whispering, "Sorry, my bad," and "Oopsie."
... that at some point during the lengthy service, after the SJG has already gone to the ladies room and inconvenienced my entire row, I will start to cough.
... that the SJG will spend ten minutes stifling the cough and debating whether to get up and get water and inconvenience my entire row again.
... that the SJG's cough will magically go away before I have to incur the wrath of my entire row.
... that at some point during the lengthy service, the SJG will turn around and glare at the people directly behind me, a subtle way of telling them to shush.

"Everybody rise!"

 ... that at some point during the lengthy service, when the rabbi signals us to rise, lifting her arms up, grandly, the SJG will think of "Evita."
... that at some point during the lengthy service, my "Temple High Holiday husband" Philip, who's married to Elena, will be mistaken for my real hubby, who's married to me, thereby creating confusion and mass hysteria.