Do You Speak Chair?

I came downstairs this morning to find this chaise a chaise in progress, the kitchen chairs engaged in intimate conversation.  I can't say what they were discussing, I don't speak Chair, but I can only speculate that the issues under review were deep-seated and, most likely, politically-tinged.  The kitchen chairs must endure daily front row exposure to many heated rants about this, that and the other.  And then, the newspaper sits there, inches away on the counter, tempting them with crazed national headlines and disturbing local details.  These chairs are up to something, and whatever it is, can't be good.  The SJG can only assume they're about to launch some sort of nasty rebellion.  What to do?  Chain them down?  Suppress them?  Set them free?  Let them organize other restless chairs in the neighborhood?  Or sit them down and discuss things, SJG to chair?  Does anyone have an English-Stoolish dictionary I can borrow?  Must I hire an interpreter who speaks their strange, wooden language?  Quite frankly, I'm at a loss.  It's just too weighty for one SJG to decide.  I need help with this one.  I may have to bring in an aging cowboy more familiar with the vernacular, but something tells me, he won't take my call.