May We Have Your Attention, Please?

"Ladies and gentleman, please turn off your cell phones before the show you paid a ridiculous amount of money to see begins.  The actors on stage who trained for years to appear on Broadway would prefer not to hear your eff'n cell phone.  If your stupid cell phone goes off during the performance, you will be physically removed from the theater.  We also recommend that you don't attempt to text the actors on stage during the performance.  They're too busy acting to text you back.  Should you choose to unwrap a cough drop during the show, to cough, sneeze, pass gas, or, the worst offense of all, talk to yourself, talk to the person to your left, talk to the person to your right, you'll be ejected from the theater.  This is Broadway, people, not your high school production of 'Phantom of the Opera.' And, as a final note to the Short Jewish Gal, who thinks she belongs on Broadway, we're here to inform you that, alas, you do not.  Once again, you're delusional in your thinking.  You may walk on Broadway.  You may not be on Broadway.  That means: no singing along during the performance.  No dancing in the aisles. Control yourself, SJG, unlike the last time you visited the city that never sleeps.  Unless you'd like to spend the night in jail, please use the seat belt we've installed to keep you exactly where you belong.  In the audience, not on the stage."