How To Misdiagnose, Internationally

"Hi, Ma. I'm waiting for my luggage at the airport in Nice."
"Yay! Was the flight okay?"
"Yes, but my ears were killing me on the descent. Ouchhh."
"Uh oh, that's not good. Are you congested?"
"A little sniffly."
"Throat?"
"Better."
"Achy?"
"No."
"Head hurt?"
"No."
"Good. How are your ears now?"
"Still really funky."
"I hope you don't have an ear infection. You'll need antibiotics. Do you have nasal spray?"
"Not on me."
"Get some at the pharmacy in Nice."
"Okay."
"You might need a decongestant, too."
"Should I take another vitamin C lozenge?"
"Sure. Sounds like you're fighting something."
"Seems that way."

"I'm concerned about your ears. This happened to me when we flew to Seattle. Double ear infection. I had to go to the ER. Remember?"
"No. I was a baby."
"You left out cute and cuddly."
"I'm alright, Ma."
"American Express has a hotline for travelers who need a doctor."
"I don't need a doctor."
"The hostel will know a doctor who speaks English."
"Don't worry. I'm fine."

"Here's some emoji chicken soup. It couldn't hurt."
"Slurp."
"You know slurping drives me crazy."
"What doesn't?"