The Last Request

Rabbi Cohen was saying his goodbyes to his congregation after his Sabbath service, as he always does, when Esther Glickman came up to him in tears. 
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Rabbi Cohen. 
"Oh, Rabbi, I've got terrible news," replied Esther. 
"Well, what is it, Esther?" 
"Well, my husband passed away last night, Rabbi." 
"Oh, Esther," said the Rabbi, "that's terrible. Tell me Esther, did he have any last requests?" 
"Well, yes he did Rabbi," replied Esther. 
"What did he ask, Esther?" 
"He said, 'Please, please Esther, put down the gun...'"

The visitor: A Martian runs into some turbulence over Earth and makes a rough landing in Sherman Oaks. After he pulls himself out of his space ship and dusts himself off, he sees that one of his wheels is broken. Not far away are some shops, so he starts to walk towards them to see if he can find a replacement. By good luck, he comes across a store with a sign showing a wheel, and a bunch of wheels in the window. 
He enters the store, gets the attention of Moishe behind the counter, and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to buy a wheel."
"Wheel?" says Moishe. "We don't have wheels here."
"Then what are those things in the window?"
"Oh, those aren't wheels. They're bagels."
"Gee, they look just like wheels. What do you use them for?"
"We eat them," says Moishe and hands a bagel to the Martian.
The Martian takes a taste, chews thoughtfully, and lights up. "Hey," he says, "I bet these would go great with cream cheese and lox!"
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