Monday, May 9, 2016

Calorically-Speaking

"Please don't go, I'll eat you up, I love you so."

(Sherman Oaks) The SJG, internationally-acclaimed blogging sensation, gathered a motherless minyan of press types to her home on Mother's Day to share some earth-shattering news worthy of the worldwide wide. "Today I plan to fress like there's no tomorrow. I've spent the last year losing some unsightly tonnage that accumulated without my written permission. Today I plan to undue all my hard work and attempt to regain much of it. Won't be easy, but I'm up for the challenge. I'll start with the blintz souffle, eat my way over to the cheese strata, consume an entire bagel with a generous schmear of cream cheese -- not reduced fat, regular! -- and let's not forget the over-the-topping of lox imported from Costco. After that, I'll spend a brief moment digesting, and then get busy with the desserts. Rugelach, alligator cake, nothing will be safe in my presence. I'm done being good. Calorically-speaking, I'm going ape-sh*t today. Why? I'll tell you why. Because I've made enough sacrifices as a mother to last a lifetime. It's my day. Mine. I'm sacrificing bupkis. Do you hear me? Bupkis. If I want to gorge with reckless abandon, embarrass my loved ones, risk the expansion of my waistline and wake up Monday morning filled with unbridled regret, all I can say is, 'Stand back and watch me.' "

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