Sunday, May 29, 2016

The Passive-Aggressive Talking Car

Hubby's car likes to scold me. The second we pull into the driveway, the lady voice comes on to shame me. My car never says a thing. The only lady voice in my car is mine. I use my lady voice to sing along with "Hamilton," or yell at idiot drivers who shouldn't be on the road. But I yell quietly. I make sure the idiot drivers can't hear me.

The lady voice in hubby's car is passive-aggressive. The lady voice wants to keep baby in the car. As soon as I unfasten my seat belt, she takes offense. She orders me around in a sneaky and illogical, yet overly polite way.

She says this, and only this:
"Please fasten your seat belt."

Whereupon my lady voice offers up a lengthy and passionate response:
"Listen, you, I just unfastened my seat belt and now you want me to re-fasten it?"

Whereupon hubby stares straight ahead. He has heard this one-sided tiff more times than he cares to remember. Hubby keeps his man voice in check. Nice hubby. He knows this is a no-win situation.

"Not to mention," I continue, "I can't get out of the car if I remain fully fastened. What part of this equation isn't adding up for you? I can't vacate hubby's auto if I'm tied down by your nonsensical rules. I'm happy to fasten my seat belt when I'm en route to somewhere wonderful, like Gelson's, or better yet, an exotic vacation to Freedonia. But the fact that you insist I stay fastened and constricted when I'm already home is unacceptable. You are trying to hold me back, and to that, I say no, no, no. I have come too far in my life, I have logged way too many hours in therapy, to let you bully me. I'm evolved and self-realized, more or less. So, what have you got to say for yourself?"

Here's what she has to say. Nothing. She prefers to secretly laugh at me in silence. Like I said. Passive-aggressive.

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