A Crime Against Bagels

Here's the scoop. And it's disturbing.

I'm sure you've marked it on your calendar and are already celebrating, but just in case you've forgotten, today is National Bagel Day. You heard me. National. Bagel. Day. In honor of this important occasion, I present you with an old blog about, what else, bagels. Or in this case, the mistreatment of bagels. 

It happened once, many years ago, but once was enough. I'm still traumatized. Of course, I traumatize easily. This particular trauma was bagel-related.  I come from a family of bagel-worshippers. I attended Temple Beth Bagel. An onion bagel from Nat n' Al's is my personal symbol of hope. Give me a great bagel, or even a so-so bagel, and I can get through anything. And so, on the day in question, the hubby and the SJG picked up a dozen and arrived at Trudy and Leo's apartment for brunch. This was in the early '80s, when we all still lived in apartments, as opposed to houses we couldn't afford. Trudy and Leo's apartment was bigger than ours. Not that I'm hung up on comparisons or bitter. Well, maybe a little. Trudy and Leo. Leo and Trudy. Not their real names. I'm using fake names to protect them from getting pelted with bagel dough, should any SJG-followers take my blog to heart.

As we sat down to eat, in their much-nicer kitchen nook, Trudy and Leo proceeded to scoop out their bagels with their fingers. They piled the unwanted dough on their plates, unaware that they had just committed the crime of the century. At least, in my opinion. Tears came to my eyes. I started to shake uncontrollably. I hurled my fists in the air. I started to shout and curse. Typical SJG behavior, but still, I was heated. "Oh, dear God in heaven, what the @#$% are you people doing?" One of them -- I can't remember which one, for I was booted out shortly thereafter -- said, in a calm, cult-like voice, "We're scooping our bagels." "But why? Why? Why would you do such a thing?" "It's less fattening," one of them answered, robotically. "Then eat half an eff'n bagel, or half of a half. Or just one delicious bite of heaven. Don't scoop it out. Scooping a bagel goes against the Laws of Delicatessens everywhere. It's unnatural. Not to mention, wrong on every level." At that point, Trudy and Leo's bigger, nicer kitchen nook started to spin. Everything went black. The rest is a big blur, although I remember getting beaned on the keppy with nine or ten unscooped bagels on the way out. We were never invited back to Trudy and Leo's. I still can't figure out why.