What Women Talk About At The Gym

Mainly, we talk about health, all aspects of it. We talk body parts -- the ones that are falling apart, the  ones that are getting better, the ones we can no longer identify. A few weeks ago, Genie, my gorgeous friend who has no right to be that tall, and the SJG had a lengthy discussion about doctors and why they should never be too good-looking, especially gynecologists. It's just wrong. It makes us uncomfortable. I once had a handsome gyno and had to break up with him. Next appointment, Icalled up and cancelled. "I can't see him anymore," I told the receptionist. "Reason for leaving?" "He's way too hot. Can you recommend an ugly doctor?" "Hold,  please." Not only do we discuss our own health issues, which keep getting weirder with age, but Genie and I like to dole out unsolicited advice to unsuspecting gals we take under our wing. The other day, we did our best to cheer up Erica (*name changed to protect her good reputation), who is facing her first colonoscopy. Genie and I are veterans of this procedure, and regaled Erica (not her real name) with stories of blocked plumbing, 911 calls to Roto-Rooter, jello that sits in the fridge for months, reminding you, "Oh, crap, I could only eat jello before my colonoscopy," and other unappealing side-effects that the SJG is far too classy to mention here. We also helped clear up how to say colonoscopy. Erica just couldn't bring herself to say it right.  She kept putting the accent in the wrong place, omitting the second O, so it sounded like "co-LON-ska-PEE." The more I said co-LON-ska-PEE, the more it started sounding like a fun ride at a Swedish county fair. "Ride the Co-LON-ska-PEE, if you dare-ska!" If not a ride, then, at the very least, a fabulous new product, advertised, with great enthusiasm, on late-night TV. "New, from Ronco, the revolutionary At-Home Co-LON-ska-PEE. Order now and we'll throw in a free instructional video." Genie and I did ten more minutes brainstorming about this sensational idea, before we noticed that Erica (not her real name) had vacated the premises.