Diagnosis: Low Battery

"Hello, and thank you for calling Napple Support, where everything's old, including you. This could take a while, so we recommend you grab a little nap so you're more-or-less refreshed by the time you finally speak to a human. To improve your waiting time, please select the type of music you'd like to listen to as you nap. Press 1 for Lawrence Welk. Press 2 for Nat King Cole. Press 3 for Paul Revere & the Raiders."

"It's just like me... to say to you... Love me do, and I'll be true... And what I'd like... for you to say... Is you'll come home... to me each day..."

Twenty minutes later:
"Napple Support. Margo speaking. How can I help you?"
"Hi, Margo, how's ba you?"
"Good. And you?"
"Not bad. Could be better."
"How old is your battery?"
"That's a little personal, don't you think, Margo?"
"Maybe. Not really. They pay me to ask."
"My battery is 60 years old, come Tuesday."
"What are the symptoms?"
"Well, things have slowed down a bit. Takes longer to launch myself out of bed. Once I get going, I function okay, kina hora, poo poo poo."
"Are you on Wi-Sigh right now?"
"I am. Instead of napping, I just sat here sighing till you picked up."
"Napple understands."
"That's nice to hear.
"So, we're going to run a diagnostic."
"Should I be worried?"
"Not at all. We just need to analyze what's wrong with you."
"Can't you just put me down for a long-lasting battery? I still have things to do."
"First I need your serial number."
"I didn't know I had one. Where is it?"
"It's on the lining of your pupik."
"Pupik? Not pipik?"
"You say pipik, I say pupik..."
"Hang on, I may need some assistance. One sec... Hubby, can you come here? Hang on, Margo, he has to schlep from the kitchen... Honey, can you tell me the serial number on my belly button? Margo, are you there? It's S...J...G...123. Thanks, honey. Got that, Margo? SJG123."
"Okay, sit tight while I run the program. This could take a while."
"What doesn't, Margo?"
"Would you like music or silence?"
"Silence sounds nice."
"Okay, back in a jiffy."

20 minutes later:
"Hi, I'm back."
"What's the diagnosis?"
"A little low on battery."
"Is that it?"
"A little neurotic, but in a good way."
"How long have I got, Margo?"
"You've still got some juice left."
"Whew."
"We're ordering you a new battery, but it could take a while. We're on back order. In three days, someone from Napple will call you and tell you very little, then send you an email telling you even less. Then at some point, you'll get an appointment, which you'll probably want to reschedule, and then you'll be back on the waiting list."
"What I do in the meantime?"
"Don't overexert yourself and keep recharging."
"Words to live by."