Theme Park To Open In Sherman Oaks

(Sherman Oaks) SJG Entertainment announces SJG Land, a big deal theme park that will open when it's finished. The 11-acre SJG Land will be based on the neurotically thrilling, roller coaster life of the internationally-acclaimed blogger/enabler/kugel-maker. "I've been up and I've been down," said the SJG, "and I know how to elevate the mishegas like nobody else. Why should I do it alone? Why shouldn't other folks take that crazy ride with me? Why shouldn't they experience what goes on in my personal house of horrors?" SJG Land will include two major attractions. Visitors will hitch a ride on "Reach It Or Die," a mortifying, swirling, topsy turvy, adjective-driven, unstable step stool that hoists them toward whatever it is they're trying to grab out of life, or at least, what's left of it. On the second ride, aptly named "Renegade Rugelach," visitors will board giant replicas of the SJG's favorite pastry and hang on tight, as an orthodontically-enhanced mouth full of unresolved issues threatens to swallow them whole.

Renegade Rugelach! Fasten your seat belts, bitches. 
It's going to bumpy ride.