Out of Reach

Last night, the SJG hit bottom. Literally. No, I didn't fall on my bottom. How dare you! My bottom is my business. It has its own sphere of gravity. It's been keeping me upward for some 60 years, but who's counting? The bottom I hit was opposite of the ceiling, an area some call the floor. I got prone on the bamboo in search of something I dropped in a very inconvenient locale. Did I ever tell you about the time I dropped my dreams down the sinkhole out back? This time, I dropped something so tiny, it's small enough to fit on my two top teeth: the upper part of my anti-grinding thingamabob. No, not that kind of grinding. Seriously, what's wrong with you people today? Get your head out of the gutter and focus. The SJG is an internationally renowned teeth grinder. Various expensive dental devices have been called upon to stop the grinding. But I just keep grinding, I just keep grinding along. In this moment, I had no choice but to hit the floor on my belly and try to reach... well, fine, let's just give it a name. My Retainer. Here I am, still enslaved by orthodontic items. It's so humiliating. But then, what isn't?

The minute I hit the floor and extended my arms, I realized my arms were going to be of no help, whatso. My arms come in handy for many things, just not reaching what can only be deemed out of reach. So I reached deep into my soul and called on other options to help in the retrieval of the rinky dinky retainer residing beneath the bed at the very end of the end. At this juncture, I knew what I had to do. I had to Macgyver it.

"A paperclip can be a wondrous thing. More times than I can remember, one of these has gotten me out of a tight spot."

As in, take an everyday whatsit and solve the issue. The rescue mission involved a towel, an extension card and a string of juicy expletives I didn't even know I knew. Well, MacGyver failed me, that bastard.  The tiny top part of the dental appliance just sat there, mocking me. I had to bring out the big broom, which meant I had to walk downstairs. And it was already past my bedtime.

Broom in hand, I got back on the floor on my belly, commanded the broom to fetch what needed fetching and the broom flipped me the bird, shoving the much-desired dental aid behind the right leg of the bed. The next stage was the most challenging and took till morning. I had to move the nightstand  and reach around and let's just say this about that.  Score. The moral of this story is: Don't drop things out of reach unless you're willing to risk your life to reach them.