What Can't I Stand?

Ben Starr, post-salad

When my dad arrived home after a long day at the sitcom factory, he had two questions for the children who never gave him a moment of aggravation.  The first:  "What's the most important thing in the world?"  We were supposed to say, "Love!"  But we never did.  Instead, we yelled, "Money!"  The second:  "What can't I stand?"  "Happy children!" we'd shout.  On Friday, I asked him about it.  "Remember when you used to say, 'What can't I stand?' and we'd say, 'Happy children'?"  He looked at me.  "I never said that."  "Yes, you did.  My entire childhood."  "I did?"  "You'd call it out while you were going up the stairs."  "Oh, wait.  I do remember that."  "Why'd you say it?" "I said it because happy children, especially when they're in a group, get crazy and charged up and run around and do dumb things.  Someone always gets hurt.  They bang into a table or bump heads and soon, they're crying and they're not happy anymore.  It's true.  Why do you think parents hate it when teenagers are all in the same car?  They're laughing and having fun and not paying attention to the road and  --"  "Wow, Daddy, this story's taking a dark turn."  "You wanted to know why I can't stand happy children."  "And now I do." "Anything else you want to know?" "What's the most important thing in the world?"  "Love."