Monday, March 18, 2013

Everyone Needs A Guide

"Trust me, 'How I Met Your Mother' is new tonight."
I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times:  The SJG is a simple gal with simple needs.  I don't need diamonds, although if you want to buy me a nice rock, I won't refuse.  I don't need wall-to-wall luxury, although if you want to pave my driveway in gold, I'll do my best to get the necessary permits.  What the SJG needs, above all, is a guide.  It's been years since I've had a suitable guide.  It's been painful at times. But what growth experience in life doesn't come with a fat helping of hardship?  Oh, how I loved my guide, all through childhood and straight into my attempt at adultness. I could open my guide at any point in the day and it would tell me what to watch and what to avoid.  I could plan my entire week, enabled by my trusty guide.  It came with the newspaper, no extra charge.  Every Sunday, there it was again, buried between Comics and Real Estate.  And then one dark day, the guide disappeared.  I'm sure there was an announcement of some kind.  A brief declaration of regret.  A cruel cost-cutting measure.  "Dear SJG, no more weekly guide for you.  Instead, you get a daily grid of times and channels, all scrunched up and condensed.  It'll take a while to figure it out.  But you will, even though you're right-brained.  You went to college.  You've still got a few brain cells left."  So, fine.  I got used to the grid.  I learned to read it and see what shows were repeats and what shows were N for new.  The grid became my stand-in guru, my sub-par guide, a so-so thing I could turn to for desperately-needed entertainment advice.

And then, a few weeks ago, another harsh announcement.  Another brief declaration of You're On Your Own.  "Dear SJG, no more grid for you.  Boo hoo.  You want a grid?  Go online and find it.  Or, better yet, give us more money and we'll make a grid just for you.  We'll personalize it with all your shows.  We'll tell you when 'Love It Or List It' is on, and whether you've seen the episode more than five times already.  We're here for you.  But it'll cost ya." This latest missive didn't go over well with me.  Pay extra for a crappy-ass TV grid?  Are you effin' with me?  No thankie.  Good day, sir.  I said good day!  I'll fend for myself. I've done it before, with mixed results.  I can do it again. I'll deal with this semi-maturely, like a reluctant grown-up-type person. I tried to go without, to cope with this monumental loss.  I won't lie.  It was hard.  The past few weeks have sucked, royally. Without my TV grid, who am I?  An empty shell of my former self, that's who.  In need of guidance like never before, I started praying for a miracle.  I prayed and prayed.  I even chanted.  Nam-Myoho-Renge-Grid-O.  And guess what? Are you sitting down?  It worked.  Just like that, the TV Grid is back in the newspaper, back by popular demand, back and smaller and more scrunched up and harder to read than ever before.  But that's fine by me. The SJG is grateful.

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