Wednesday, March 20, 2013

It's All In My Head

A conversation with my allergist:
"Why are my ears ringing?"
"There's congestion in your Eustachian tubes.  Have we ever done the ISUPESM?"
"The what?"
"The intranasal-subterranean-uber-positional extraterrestrial sideways maneuver."
"When you put it like that, no.  I think I'd remember."
"Do you still have sinus pressure?"
"Oh.  Then we need to add the UDM to the ISUPESM."
"I'm afraid to ask what that is."
"The upside down maneuver."
"I'm interested in feeling better, doc, not joining Ringling Brothers."
"Okay, here's what you do.  Let's start with the UDM."
"Do we have to?"
"You can do the SUPESM first.  It doesn't matter."
"Tell me about the UDM."
"Okay, what you do is you sit in a chair."
"What kind of chair, doc?"
"A kitchen chair."
"What about a dining room chair?"
"That's fine, too.  You sit in the chair and you lean over till your head is upside down."
"Why would I want to do that when my head hurts?"
"This will help you."
"If you say so.  I can't wait to hear what's next."
"You're upside down and you pump the Afrin into your left nostril and look over your left shoulder."
"So the Afrin can get where it needs to go."
"Over my shoulder?"
"No.  Into the front of the sinuses.  Then you do the same thing on the right side."
"Am I still bent over and getting dizzy?"
"Yes.  But this time you look over your right shoulder."
"But I don't spray over my right shoulder?"
"How long do I stay in this weird position?"
"About a minute."
"Okay, so I'm upside down, I'm losing consciousness.  Then what?"
"Then you sit up slowly, you tilt your head all the way back..."
"I'm still in the chair?"
"Yes.  You tilt your head back and drip the Afrin into your left nostril, then you lean over at a 45 degree angle."
"Are you kidding?"
"No.  This is the second part."
"The intranasal whoosy-callit?"
"Yes.  You lean over so the Afrin can get into your left Eustachian tube, and then you do the same thing on your right side."
"This all sounds extremely wackadoodle, Doc."
"Call me Thursday.  Good luck."
"Thanks.  I'm going to need it."